


Dead and Gone

by AuriLamora



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Cage Trauma, Episode: s11e02 Form and Void, Episode: s13e23 Let the Good Times Roll, Gen, Lucifer Being Lucifer (Supernatural), Post-Episode: s13e23 Let the Good Times Roll, Post-Season/Series 13, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Psychological Torture, The Empty (Supernatural), Torture, not samifer
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-14
Updated: 2018-08-14
Packaged: 2019-06-21 04:33:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,833
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15549702
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AuriLamora/pseuds/AuriLamora
Summary: Lucifer is gone. Sam should be happy.It's not that simple.





	Dead and Gone

At first, the relief was so strong it made him light headed. He smiled at Dean, completely in awe of what his big brother had just done.

Of course the constant awareness of where in the room Lucifer was still existed. Every part of him was still focused in the direction of the dead vessel on the floor behind him. But now the abject terror was drowned out by exhilaration. By a vicious joy caused by the body lying between wings of ash.

And then the inevitable happened. Michael overpowered Dean and took off.

Sam closed his eyes. He felt weirdly split in half. One part felt the despair of losing his brother. He remembered the time Dean became a demon, remembered Purgatory, the first time Dean went to Hell, the endless Tuesdays, and most of all every single time Dean had gone on a hunt with Dad and Sam was paralyzed by the thought that they might never come back. But the other half of his mind and heart were still light and giddy. He was so unused to this kind of happiness it felt unreal.

 

 

*

 

 

"Jack, what you where about to do -" Sam started saying while he was patching up the kid's wound with a makeshift bandage ripped out of his own shirt. They had relocated to the front steps of the church. The body was still visible through the open doors.

But Jack just looked back at him with tired eyes and Sam remembered that he had never even been hurt before. There was enough power left inside the kid that the wound wasn't serious anymore, but it still hadn't completely healed.

"You know what? Never mind. We'll talk about it when you're feeling better." Sam finished tying the shirt and fished out his phone.

 

 

*

 

 

It turned out that they were only a two-hour drive away from the Bunker. Cas and Mary came to pick them up and Jack fell asleep, his head resting against Cas' shoulder in the back seat. Sam gave them a more detailed account of what had happened than he had over the phone earlier.

When he finished talking it was quiet for a while.

Then Cas sighed. "It seems like we've come full circle, doesn't it?"

Sam shook his head. "It's different than it was the first time the Apocalypse started though. I know that Michael has Dean right now, but we will get him back." And he actually believed that.

What was harder to believe, however, were his next words. "Also – also, Lucifer is dead. That's a big difference."

Cas smiled a sad smile at him. "Yes, it is."

Sam suppressed the urge to check if the body was still in the trunk.

 

 

*

 

 

They bought some take-out on the way home and then shared it with everyone still in the bunker. Cas took care of Jack and Sam went to bed.

In the middle of the night he suddenly woke up.

 

 

*

 

 

"Sam? Are you all right?" Cas asked when he found Sam staring at the body in the Impala's trunk.

"I'm fine," Sam answered.

After they had completed that mandatory exchange, Cas suggested: "Let's go and burn the body."

Sam nodded. "Yeah, let's do that."

 

 

*

 

 

Cas texted Mary to let her know where they were going. They drove to an empty field a few miles away.

When they opened the trunk again, Sam hesitated.

Cas waited for a moment, then asked: "Do you want me to –"

"No!" Sam said, then cleared his throat. "No, I'll do it."

It was still hard to force his hands to touch. He was surprised once more by how light the body was, how easy it was to throw it over his shoulder and carry it to where they were about to build the pyre.

 

 

*

 

 

As the flames licked at the body, the smell reminded Sam of his own flesh burning. He couldn't stop remembering what it felt like.

 

 

*

 

 

When it was over, hours later, there was another wave of relief. But it wasn't as strong as the first one in the church had been. When they came back to the bunker his shoulders were still tense.

 

 

*

 

 

Sam didn't get it.

He hadn't often dreamed of this happening. He usually hadn't dared to get his hopes up. But when he _had_ been foolish enough to think of a world where Lucifer was finally dead, he had imagined feeling lighter.

He wished Dean were here. They had never talked much about Alastair, but he would have liked the opportunity to ask him what it had been like when his torturer died. Dean would have opened up if he knew it was something Sam needed to hear. And Sam desperately needed to hear if he was going crazy. Because after the first few hours of relief and happiness the old feelings returned. Day by day, the stone in his stomach and the icy breath on the back of his neck seeped back in.

Of course Sam had read enough about PTSD and delayed reactions to trauma by now to know that he couldn't just expect everything to be perfect. But things were supposed to get better, weren't they? So why was it becoming harder and harder to concentrate? Why was he suddenly twitchy around Jack again? Why was his optimism about getting Dean back slowly getting drowned out by this familiar feeling of helplessness?

Was he so completely broken?

 

 

*

 

 

When they were alone in the library one day, Sam said to Cas: "I know there were wing prints, but Gabriel faked those too. How do we know if he's really dead?" _And h_ _ow am I supposed to feel safe when nothing ever stays_ _that way_ _?_

Cas sighed. He did that a lot since Dean had said yes. "I guess we can never be completely sure. But Gabriel wasn't killed by the archangel blade. Also, he had time to prepare enough to make his trick work on Lucifer because he expected that confrontation. Lucifer wasn't expecting Dean to say yes to Michael and show up in that church, was he? I really doubt he could have pulled off a show that would fool Michael into believing he really died. Especially not when he was struck directly in the heart with _that_ weapon." His expression turned dark. "We had the body for hours, Sam. And you saw me check that it was really Lucifer's Vessel before we burned it. It was Nick but there was absolutely no trace of grace left."

Sam studied the open book in front of him, not really seeing the words. "I guess I'm just paranoid. Sorry."

"No need to apologize, Sam, you have every right to be."

"Thanks." Sam managed to look up and smile. "I'm getting Coffee, want some?"

After Sam had gone to the kitchen they went back to their respective research. But Sam didn't sleep that night. Instead he went through every way he had ever heard of or could think of for a being, supernatural or otherwise, to fake their own death.

 

 

*

 

 

"Sam. Do you want me to help you fall asleep?" Cas asked at four in the morning a couple of days later.

The no was on the tip of his tongue. Lucifer was gone for good and he _should_ learn to sleep properly on his own again. Without pills or angel mojo.

But he couldn't help find Dean if he was too tired to even think straight.

"Yeah, all right."

 

 

*

 

 

When Sam opened his eyes all he saw was black.

At first he thought he was somewhere completely dark. But then he noticed that though he was surrounded by darkness, he could see his own body perfectly. As though he were standing in a well lit room.

He wondered how he got here and suddenly remembered the conversation with Cas, getting ready for bed, lying down and the angel gently touching his forehead.

_A dream, then._ It was certainly surreal enough. Even though he felt weirdly awake and aware, for a dream. Sam looked around and saw nothing. He took a tentative step forward and confirmed that he was standing on some sort of solid surface, even though it wasn't visible beneath his feet.

For want of anything better to do, he started walking.

After a few moments, he noticed his feet changing direction without his input. He tried to stop, but it didn't work. His body just kept carrying him onward of it's own volition.

Sam felt a sense of foreboding.

_Relax,_ he thought, _it's just a dream._

Although his nightmares could be absolutely horrifying, Sam was used to them. He could cope. Especially because he knew that he always woke up when it became too much.

But as he kept walking he could not contain his rising anxiety.

Without any warning, he came to a stop. Somehow, his surroundings seemed even darker than before.

"Hey, Sam."

Sam whirled around, only distantly noticing that his legs were obeying him again.

Lucifer looked exactly the same as he always had. He was smirking his usual smirk, clad in the same clothes he died in. The level of detail Sam's subconscious was dreaming up would be surprising if it were anyone else. Not with _him_ though.

Lucifer waved at him.

Sam couldn't help the fact that his breathing sped up, but he knew it was just a nightmare. "You're dead." _You can't hurt me anymor_ _e._

Lucifer laughed. "You've got it in one, kiddo. Just plain simple 'dead' is such an imprecise term though, don't you think? I mean, there's dead as in 'had a heart attack' or 'choked on my shampoo', or dead as in 'oh, this movie is just killing me', and then," his voice became harder, "then there's 'I was stabbed by my big brother from a parallel universe because my true vessel turned my own son against me!'"

Sam took an involuntary step back.

Lucifer started strolling around him. "So anyway," he said, "how's it going? I know it must be hard, loosing me ..."

Sam didn't bother to answer. He suppressed the urge to turn his head around as Lucifer passed behind him.

"And this is less tragic, of course, but I'm guessing Dean's gone, too?" He fixed his eyes on Sam's face and came to a stop in front of him. "After all, he did say yes to Michael ..."

Sam grits his teeth. "Would you stop it? You already know, so why don't you just start with the torturing already?" It was usually when the more intense pain started that he woke up.

Lucifer quirked an eyebrow. "Why would I already know? I mean, I'm good, but I gotta let you in on a secret ..." He moved forward until he was standing only a foot away. "Being dead kinda limits my knowledge of what's going on in the world."

Sam ignored a new spike of fear and rolled his eyes. "This is a dream, you're a part of my brain, of course you know Dean's gone."

Another laugh. Sam didn't like this at all.

"Riiight. I'm just a dream. Tell me, Sam, do you usually dream of us hanging out in the Empty together?"

Sam frowned. "This is supposed to be … the Empty?" He looked around dubiously.

Now it was Lucifer's turn to roll his eyes. "Where did you think this was? Heaven? Don't you remember where angels go when they die? Since we've already established that I did, in fact, die ... And it really is quite recognizable." He swept his hand out at the darkness around them. "Use your brain cells, Samuel. I mean, duh, it's literally _empty_ around here." He shrugged. "Well. There's also this weird fellow who guards the place. Doesn't like being awake, for some reason. But apart from him and me, there's nothing here."

Sam refused to let this confuse him. "So it's a new venue. Doesn't change the fact that this is a nightmare and I'm going to wake up soon. Feel free to start torturing any time now."

This was one of the only nice things about his nightmares. Being able to say stuff that he would never dare say to the real Devil.

Lucifer let out a disappointed sigh. "You know, I would really like to, Sam. Especially since your stupidity is starting to annoy me." He stared hard at Sam. "But I'm trying to get a point across, here. I'm not a dream. I'm real. Remember the last time I sent you visions and you didn't believe it was me, either?"

Sam felt the blood drain from his face. A vision? Yes, he most definitely remembered the ones Lucifer had sent him from the Cage when they were looking for a way to defeat Amara. _But this couldn't be_ _a vision_ _, could it?_

The Devil was smirking at him.

"No," Sam said. "This is different. You're _dead_. There might have been cracks in the Cage, but there's no way you could be sending me stuff from the Empty."

"Ah. That sounds plausible, yes. But the thing is," he lowered his voice, "you and I, Sam, we've always been _connected._ Since the first time I visited your head in a dream … But especially since the Cage. That was why it was so easy to send you that stuff from there, giving you the opportunity to realize that you needed me against Amara. And this connection, it's because there's a little bit of _me_ ," he indicated himself, "inside _you._ " His finger stopped just shy of Sam's chest, but Sam flinched violently anyway.

"I know," Sam bit out. "But that doesn't mean you can reach me from beyond death. I don't believe any of your crap. Cas told me the connection has been reduced to practically nothing in the years since the Cage."

"Yeah," Lucifer drawled, "that _was_ true. But remember that time I saved your life? When you were lying there, all opened up by those nasty vamps?" He was wearing a very self-satisfied smirk. "Who's to say I didn't use the opportunity to stake my claim, so to speak? Refresh the wedding vows?"

Sam felt like he might be sick.

Just when he had finally hoped to be free. Then again, he remembered all the times in the last few days when he had startled because of the sensation of someone breathing down his neck.

"Sooo, that's why it's not hard at all to reach you from here," Lucifer concluded.

Sam tried to grasp the idea that Lucifer was really sending him a vision from beyond death. Then he noticed a flaw in the story. "Wait. Everything in the Empty is asleep. If you were the real Lucifer, you wouldn't be conscious right now, so you can't be him sending me visions!" He breathed deeply.

Lucifer shook his head. "Yeah, not so much, buddy. See, Castiel kinda stirred things up around here. Would you believe that the poor Entity that lives in the Empty couldn't go back to sleep even when he tossed little bro back to earth? Guess he was bored after a while and decided to keep me awake for company when I came here …" he shrugged, grinning. "Lucky me?"

It sounded a bit too plausible to just dismiss the possibility.

_The problem is,_ Sam thought, _there always was a reason he's called the_ _father_ _of_ _l_ _ies._ No matter how well Sam knew him, there was still no way of knowing whether Lucifer was telling the truth. Especially since the alternative was his own subconscious tricking him. If this was just a dream, his brain could probably make him believe that Lucifer had never been anything but a fairy tale and he wouldn't be able to tell the difference.

Sam held onto what he _was_ sure of: "But you can't do anything else. You're _dead_." He could deal with visions as long as he knew that Lucifer was still gone, couldn't he?

Lucifer grimaced. "Okay, getting bored, moving on now, whether you believe that I'm real or not isn't actually all that relevant. What's important is this: I had myself a little chat with Death before she brought me here. Do you know what she told me?"

Sam frowned. Billie. The Empty. Why did that ring a bell?

"No." He tried stopping the thought in its tracks. "No!"

"Come _on_ , Sammy. Put one and two together. I know you can do it."

It was too obvious. He couldn't _not_ realize what Lucifer was getting at.

Sam jerked his head from side to side. "No, no, no, that's not – that won't happen."

"Oh, but it will. One day, be it tomorrow or fifty years from now, you are going to die, Sam." Lucifer grinned. "And when that happens, I hear you're getting a very special ride to this beautiful place." He leaned forward and whispered: "Guess who'll be waiting?"

 

 

*

 

 

Sam dug a finger into his old scar. He scrunched his eyes shut and tried to wake up.

It didn't work. When he opened his eyes, Lucifer was still there, staring right at him.

"Oh, the things I am going to do to you, Sam …"

It suddenly made a lot of sense how he had felt since Lucifer's death. His subconscious had probably already made the connection between where angels go when they die and what Billie had promised.

"No." Sam glared back at Lucifer. "I won't come. I'll find a way out. I'd rather go to Hell again."

The Devil clutched his hands to his heart. "You wound me! How could you say that?" Then his hurt expression turned into one of anticipation. "Besides … you do realize that would mean letting your big brother come here all on his own?"

Sam blanched. Dean was coming here too. Billie had said so. _Oh God_.

Lucifer smiled his sunniest smile. "That's right, buddy. Dean will finally get to join this little game of ours. Wanna bet how loud I can make him scream?"

Sam's breathing sped up again. "We – We'll find a way out of this. As soon as we get Dean back from Michael. We can talk to Billie, make some kind of deal. Dean won't let us come here."

Lucifer leaned forward so his mouth was inches from Sam's ear, and Sam was frozen, an icy rush of terror running down his back as Lucifer said: "You just keep telling yourself that, Sammy. It'll make it so much sweeter when the two of you do arrive." He moved back and surveyed Sam's expression. "I'm already looking forward to the look of utter _despair_ on your face."

Sam did his best to keep his features completely blank.

Lucifer laughed softly. "Not quite there yet, are we? That's all right. We can have many more of these conversations ... you can practice for when you and Dean are really here."

Sam had to force down a whimper at the thought of having these dreams or visions or whatever they were his whole life. Particularly if it would end with both him and Dean at Lucifer's non-existent mercy.

Lucifer seemed to notice the hitch in his breathing. "Besides, your usual fear will do nicely for now."

And Sam _was_ afraid. So very afraid. He absolutely hated the fact that there was nothing he could do to convince either of them otherwise.

"Aw," Lucifer said. "You don't agree?"

Sam knew that tone of voice. He fixated his gaze on the black space over Lucifer's shoulder. "This isn't real. You can't hurt me here." It was a gamble, but he was pretty sure the other would have touched him already if this were the kind of dream where that were possible. Or vision.

"You know what your problem is, Sam? You don't express your emotions enough. It can't be healthy trying to keep everything inside all the time." Lucifer put his hands on his hips, still standing far too close. "How about I help you out with that? I reckon I can spare a couple of hours right now. We should sit down, though. Might as well get comfortable."

Sam couldn't wake himself up right now. Cas' mojo had probably taken him into an extra deep sleep. He would have to wait until that wore off. And even if Lucifer couldn't touch him, there was no way to escape his company in this nothingness.

When he didn't react, Lucifer's words shot out like bullets. "Sam. _Sit._ _Down._ "

He was down on the ground before he even noticed that his legs had folded. Then the humiliation shot through him, making his body sway.

Lucifer crouched down before him, grinning. "That's it. See? You do still know how to react properly."

Sam glared at the Devil, but he didn't get up again.

"Now, I'm going to tell you all the things I'm going to do to you and your brother. In detail. And you, Sam, are going to imagine all of it and you won't be able to help showing me your terror." He winked. "After all, we both know that I can make your body sing, don't we?"

A tremor coursed down Sam's spine.

He already knew it would feel like days went by before he woke up.

 

 

*

 

 

The time was six thirty when Sam entered the kitchen. Nobody else was around. He made himself some cereal on autopilot and sat down at the table.

Which was how Cas found him half an hour later.

"Sam! You're up early. I had hoped you would sleep in."

Sam transferred a spoon full of cereal into his mouth so he wouldn't have to say anything. Then he faced the problem of having to swallow.

Cas sat down facing him. "Are you okay?"

Sam glanced up and hummed, still sloshing the food around his mouth. He looked back down into his bowl. He managed to swallow.

They were silent for a few minutes, Sam absently toying with his spoon. He knew Cas was studying him, waiting for a real answer, but he didn't meet his gaze.

"You're not eating," Cas remarked.

Sam huffed. "Yeah." He pushed his bowl away.

The angel leaned forward a bit. "You know how your brother never admits what's bothering him? You don't need to copy him even more religiously than you normally do just because he isn't here."

Sam almost smiled at that. When it came to talking about feelings he _tried_ to consciously open up to someone every now and again, but he knew that most of the time he took after his big brother.

He considered opening up now, but what would he even say? _Your mojo made me have one of the worst nightmares I have had in years? And the_ _most horrifying_ _part is that it might_ _not have been a nightmare at all_ _?_

"Sam. I am not going to stop asking until you tell me what's wrong."

Sam sighed and finally looked up. He knew how persistent Cas could be. And he would have to tell him sooner or later, anyway.

He swallowed around the lump in his throat and asked: "Remember when you were in the Empty? You said the cosmic being there returned you to earth so it could go back to sleep, didn't you?"

Cas raised his eyebrows. "Yes, that was the idea."

"But there was no guarantee that it would work, was there? It could still be awake?"

"I guess so. But it did seem quite sure that I was the only reason it couldn't rest. What brought this on?"

Sam so did not want to explain this. It would make it seem more real, saying it out loud. "Well, I don't think we've mentioned this, but the first time I met Billie, she promised me something. She said that the next time Dean and I died, we wouldn't go to Heaven or Hell but instead be tossed out into the Empty. So we wouldn't keep coming back and upsetting the order of the universe in the process, or something like that."

"You and Dean are going to the Empty when you die?" Cas was visibly shocked and then immediately became angry. "And you didn't think it important to tell me that?"

Sam felt a twinge of guilt. He could understand that this was a very relevant fact for Cas, particularly since the angel too would end up there if he ever died again.

Lucifer hadn't even mentioned that. Probably knew that he had enough ammunition talking about how he would torture Dean. Or maybe that little omission was a sign that it had only been Sam's subconscious talking after all?

"I'm sorry I never told you, Cas, but I haven't even thought about it myself recently. It was only tonight, that I remembered …" he trailed off.

Cas looked concerned again. "What is it?"

"Well, um … you know how," he swallowed, "how Lucifer must have gone to the Empty too, when he died? What if for some reason the Entity there didn't fall asleep again after you left?" It all started rushing out of him now. "What if it didn't make him sleep like everything else in there because it was bored? What if he somehow found out Dean and I will be sent there, too? Could he be awake, waiting for me – for us – to die and come there?" _Waiting to start_ _the_ _C_ _age_ _routine_ _all over again, only with my brother there as well?_

Sam was trying not to loose it again. He had already panicked twice since waking up.

Cas seemed taken aback for a moment. Then he calmly stated: "I don't think that's true."

Sam let out a deep breath.

The angel explained: "First of all, there isn't any indication that the Entity would have stayed awake after it sent me back. It seemed like it was only awake in the first place because Jack woke me up."

Sam just wished there was a way to be _sure_ that it went back to sleep.

"Secondly: We will find a way to make certain you won't go to the Empty when you die. As soon as we get Dean back and stabilize Heaven somehow, we can talk to Billie. There has to be some kind of deal she will accept. Maybe you and Dean can promise not to try resurrecting each other the next time you die as long as she sends your souls to Heaven."

_Might be_ _Hell not Heaven_ _in my case_ , Sam thought. But he knew better than to argue his worth with others in his family. They always tended to see the best in each other and the worst in themselves.

When Cas went on there was steel in his voice. "And if Billie doesn't want to deal, it's not like I haven't killed her before. Dean has even killed Death before." He paused for a moment. "Even if the next reaper who becomes Death won't make a deal either, we will find some other way to make sure neither of you goes to the Empty. Ever."

Sam managed a weak smile in the face of the angel's conviction. He pulled his cereal back towards him.

Tilting his head slightly, Cas studied him.

Sam wanted to further acknowledge Cas' efforts to reassure him, but he was reluctant to lie. The lead in his gut was still there.

When the silence had stretched for a while, Cas started speaking again. "Sam … even if you _were_ to end up there … you should know that I was completely cut off from my grace in the Empty."

Sam sat up straight at that. "Are you saying … that he wouldn't have his powers?"

Cas nodded. "He wouldn't. Even if he were awake, which I doubt."

If the Devil couldn't access his grace, then he couldn't send visions via his connection to Sam either, could he?

Sam wondered whether he could stop a Lucifer without powers. For a while, probably, but for all of eternity?

Cas wasn't finished though. "And do you know what I _can_ promise you with complete certainty? That you won't ever have to face him alone again. Neither you nor Dean. If one of you died before me and got sent to the Empty, I would simply join you there immediately."

Sam was floored when he understood the angel's meaning. "What? No! Cas, you can't just commit suicide!"

"I can and I would. And together we could beat Lucifer again and again, as often as we had to." Cas' eyes were filled with compassion as he declared: "Dean and I will never let him touch you again, Sam. If anyone has suffered enough at the hands of the Devil, it's you."

Swallowing roughly, Sam remembered what he had imagined angels were like before he met them.

"Thanks, Cas."

Cas nodded.

_I'll be okay_ , Sam realized. _Somehow, everything will be okay._

Yes, the thought of Lucifer still terrified him, but he could also feel a spark of hope light up his heart. Maybe he _could_ learn to trust the world again someday.

He started by eating his breakfast.

 

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> This work was inspired by katsidhe's amazing stories about Sam and Lucifer. If you haven't read them yet, go do it now!
> 
> Also, this is unbetaed so please feel free to point out mistakes in the comments. Any and all feedback is appreciated!  
> Hope you enjoyed it. 
> 
> Disclaimer: None of this stuff is mine, I'm not making any money with it.


End file.
